Friday, July 17, 2009

The Actor

Moments of distress had lead to this final moment of peace. He was free. He had been traveling a lot for a while but couldn't see places. Beaches, Lakes, Falls. Every place was scenic. But he was hung over long scripts, monologues, new roles, new films. He looked up.
8 years.
He had been acting for 8 years. Its a long time, but it seemed to have flown past with the time he had spent pretending to be different characters and personalities. Some were easy. He was able to relate to the character. All he would need to do is improvise and the lines would flow. But some were difficult. And he would work day and night trying to understand the character, imagining them, their gait.


It has been a tough journey. But, an eventful one.
But for some reason he was distraught for a while. Now, he was free. The whole world seemed to be open in front of him. He looked down at the falls. A cascade, rather. it was a perfect setting for one of those long drawn monologues. The ones which start without much intensity but slowly build momentum leaving the audience baffled.
He rehearsed his lines " Why has imagination become a synonym of style?"
Has it? May be not, everyone is free to imagine. And the perception of the imagination has always varied. Its stupidity to generalize.
"Did the line fit the context?", he wondered.
He was happy, there was a great waterfall and this line dint seem to match.
May be it was not a cascade. It dint matter.
The lines again " The imagination is not our escape. On the contrary, the imagination what we are trying to get to."
He flushed.
Zipped up.
Walked out.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Location - Extreme Sports Bar.
Song- Elysian Fields (God Is an Astronaut)

Confused day at work, breezy evening, Balcony and Whiskey. The evening was settling in, traffic at the signal increasing and so were the number of people entering the place. Drink after work is good, usually conversations leading to nothing. Actually, none of us wanted to have a substantial conversation, especially after tiring day at work. I prefer small talk, any day.
I like the randomness in thinking when the 1st sip of whiskey goes down my throat. Settling, I must say. Just enough to pull you out of the routine.
And drinking with friends...
Always good.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Empty Cubicles

Song : Russia on Ice
Artist: Porcupine Tree

I couldn't concentrate on the screen. Not sure if anyone could, sitting in an empty hall working at 4 a.m in the morning.
Can't take it anymore. Time for a break.
I dint know what the issue was. I have often been asked this question. "So, do you like your job?"
The answer used to be rather spontaneous. "I guess, I don't know."
Many guys have quit jobs because they couldn't take the corporate nonsense. Not sure if could take it either. But you immediately start weighing your options. Is this logical? Am I being Rational?
You always wish you could do something leaving everyone around you think you are being foolhardy, but finally you pull it off, not necessarily leaving anyone astounded or accomplishing anything ground breaking.

At the end of it I have always been able to convince myself that somewhere down the line it makes sense to hold on for a while and do some hard thinking. And not just hard thinking, but also working towards it. I realized that when I went back to college for my convocation last week. Some were happy with their jobs, some weren't so they quit, some dint like their jobs but dint complain, some complained but it dint matter, some had no opinion. As much as all of us have revered our lives for the last 4 years, I guess it really does make sense to buckle up for a while just to find out if a venture is worth the effort.

Back to work. Not sure if I could see any difference in the cubicles. Its generally dead with everyone glued to their laptops. I guess it hardly matters if the chairs are empty or if someone is sitting on it for 8 hours a day.

Shit. 4:30 a.m. Work not done.

The new Year has changed quite a lot of things.
Work has gotten hectic and demanding.
Bus journeys have become quieter, leaving me searching for a nap or something I couldn't see.
I guess I will be able to.
I guess Sunshine does follow the Rain.
Shut my laptop.
Time to go home and grab some sleep.

Friday, January 02, 2009


I looked at the watch-11:30p.m 2nd Jan2009 IST
I looked up.
Same as 1 p.m 2nd Jan 2009 US East Time.
I wish I could rewrite stuff.
Farm House

Suddenly, there comes a point when too much seems to be happening and I am not sure there is enough time to sit and fathom, analyze and understand, dream and just get oblivious to your surroundings. Or may be, even if you have enough time, you're not allowed to take it. That is how it works. Bhave told me its more important to live in the moment, cherish the moment rather than pushing yourself to wondering what would happen next. That is what I was always did, for how many ever years I have known myself. I dint do that for a while and it just seems like I lost most of myself. I get up everyday ruing what happened at that particular space of time. Some told me it was not worth it, some told me I was silly, and some told me I gave up easily. But, I had not given up, and may be I still thought it was worth it. But, I guess you have no rights to think that way until you answer questions that loom large, too perplexed to answer anything.
I had just put Bhave to sleep.May be a little too many drinks.
It was dark and cold outside.
I looked at the watch. Jan1st, 2:30 a.m.
It was a happy evening. It was indeed a happy evening.
Kashyap was sitting on the bench, eyes half closed. 5 minutes back he told me he was going to be the last man standing.
Music was good. Music is always good when we get together. That'll always stay.
2008 was a confused year. First half of the year was spent trying to hold back something that was about to pass and next half of the year went chasing something I dint know while still trying to hold on something that had already passed. So many things.

How did I fare?
I did a bad job. I did a terrible job.
Kashyap was on the ground. Always the 1st man down.
I lifted him and put him to sleep, next to bhave and came out. Fuck, He was become quite heavy since the last time I lifted him. I remember that night.25th june. My memory is pretty good.
I always thought I'd fare well, you know. I had absolutely no doubts about that.
Anand came to ask me what was had happened.
A strained smile. "Nothing", I answered as I looked away.
I promised I'll visit the U.S for his graduation.
I have always done a bad job of keeping in touch till now. Hm, a New Year Resolution, I guess.To keep in touch. A simple one.
Atleast Shanky and Kash are around with a few others. I'll try to keep this resolution going.
Bhave was feeling cold. I looked around, there was nothing to cover him.
My sweater?
I had decided that I would never give it to anyone. It meant a lot to me.
He was shivering.
I smiled. Took my sweater off and put it on him.
Switched off the lights and went to the hall. J was ready.
Mittal and Bahl were leaving.
"Dude, I hope you learn how to ride the bike in 2009", he said laughing.
He he. I will.
Time to forget what happened and what was going to happen. Time to be Happy.

Monday, September 29, 2008


Song: Echoes of Dr King
Artist: The Flower Kings

Monday morning blues. You get into the bus with a heavy feeling wondering why work could possibly exist. sigh. But everything seems to be the same inside. Nothing seems to have changed. Familiar faces, Unfamiliar faces, Disinterested ones and engrossed ones. Its weird how things move on despite how so much could have possibly happened during the weekend. Some seemed satisfied that they had finally found a seat to grab a short nap or engross themselves in a book. Some seemed to be busy in a phone conversation making a ballyhoo of it or trying to be very secretive in their conversation.
Bus journeys are weird. The tendency to standstill is more than to move ahead. Both for the Passengers and the bus I guess. I plugged in the earphones and looked out. Traffic jams. People randomly frustrated in road rage rather than slipping into their seats to wonder less about the road ahead. Everyone seemed to be in a rush to get somewhere eventually clinging on to a discordant mindset- "Whats the whole point?"
Why would i care so much. I'm waiting for Wednesday, October 1st.I'm going to hit the road again. After a while.
I'll probably look at everyone with a disdained mindset who go work while i'm feeling lazy on a hammock with a book in hand, sipping away every few seconds, casual conversation across the table, staring into the Arabian Sea. Ah..I love that feeling.

Monday, September 22, 2008


I just settled down, in a comfortable position and turned on the laptop. I hope this was the training room. For some reason, routines are weird. As much as we despise them, we are somehow comfortable setting into some kind of a routine. I opened the training schedule and logged into gtalk. "Inventory Management". The last 2 months have been tough.Always been in a position where i had to rush as soon as I get up without collecting my thoughts over a cup of coffee. I guess a peaceful cup of coffee is the least anyone can ask for as soon as you get up isn't it? But here, Its been like running for your life to catch the bus on time as soon as you get up. Get into the bus and my phone rings,"rosh calling...." Perfect sense of timing. Wonderful. Get to work, attend training till the end of the day, get back home, Rush to pump some iron, then sit online till midnight. Its always been like rushing for something at every point of time. I guess the phone calls have made the day simpler, let me settle through this phase.

I was exhausted today for some reason, no energy to attend today's training.
I closed my eyes.

Someone knocked. Without a second thought i said "who is it? Anand i'm sleeping da..."
"suddu, its me da, kashyap. I need headache tablet. I have a bad hangover"
"fuck..wait..even i'm not able to get up da."
I open the door, Kashyap walks in.
"Suddu, we need to book tickets da, There'll be lot of rush."
"whats the date today?"
April 23 rd da..
"Fuck..we'll see da..Tell shanky also,I dont want to think about it now. Too screwed in the head"
Light maadi.
"So, tomorrow night? done with college ah? Sigh"
"Something like that"
Over so fast? fuck. I can't believe it. I guess, things will move on. Get settled into a job, work->home->work. I guess I'll get used to the routine. May be I wont get used to the routine. But how does it matter. I don't have an option. Everyone's going to get scattered and busy with their own lives. And may be a drink a month also might not be possible.
Imagine waking up some morning and suddenly you realize you're in hostel,same room everything in its position,unchanged. You go to brush your teeth and as usual, no water. A trip to pehelwan or krishna's and get to g.b around 5ish and sit there till midnight. No tension whether you have to get up at 7 in the morning to catch the bus or travel 2-3 hours everyday.

Not going to happen.

I suddenly opened my eyes.
The instructor was looking at me. "Are you done?Shall we start the training?"
Sigh. Routine continues.

Monday, August 11, 2008


Been a while since I've posted. I don't know. Finally I've started working. Hmm.. Got my first salary also. Not bad. A lot has happened over the last two months since I've posted. Yup, the nostalgia still continues with some frustration over my work! Anyways. I'm writing some PLSQL test at work now and yeah, continuing the good work from where I left off at surathkal. Fudging.

Friday, May 30, 2008


I have been sick for a while. For a week I guess. Its been frustrating as I have been battling cycles of fever to find some sleep in a pool of sweat. I checked the temperature on the thermometer. it read 103F.
I closed my eyes.
Suddenly, I wanted to go back. Go back to Surathkal for some reason. And I could possibly trade anything for it. I wanted to go back to room 206.For a day atleast.

Still finding it hard to accept that Chapter Surathkal is closed. I guess I'll live in this sense of nostalgia forever!

The nostalgia of :
# Sharing a smoke with Guru in my room as we watch a movie or an episode of Boston Legal
# Anand waking me up at 8 in the morning just to say "friends" and borrow toothpaste.
# Regular walk to Room 146 and 214.
# Trip to pehelwan and back 2-3 times a day
# 5-6 of us adjusting on kash's bed as we watch that '70s show or weeds.
# All of us taking K.G.B's trip as we watch his legendary video.
# Glancing into swamy's room just to find the expected- him rolling on the bed at all times of the day.
# G.B, Kalash and Akshaya Sessions. Oh, there are millions of those. Remember a couple of them
* A couple of rainy ones when kash, guru and I sat and discussed how important it was to come up with something new.
* Towards the end of the year, all of us pretty much in tears, Shanky telling us that we would be the first ones he would come to in his time of need and then he calls J.K up and pleads with him to accept us the way he does.
# Me going to sleep on Kashyap's bed on 22nd of april after he left.
# 24th April- 7:30 p.m
"Last smoke in Room 206 and I stare at the art work on the ceiling". My mind-- BLANK

Thursday, March 06, 2008


I'm sure I'll fall short of words to describe my present state. I was precariously balanced surrounded by total imbalance! I looked around and my mind suggested chaos. Yet there's this uneasy feeling that things are going to be fine. And you suddenly see yourself perfectly balanced for both these consequences!
I still couldn't understand how the gypsy just seemed to stop in this position. The car had just ripped though a 100m stretch to take a wild turn. The car had tilted on its left wheels at about 60 degrees. And suddenly, the gypsy seemed to have stopped! I had probably just taken a leap off the car. I guess, time must have just stopped. May be I was not able to fathom this whole situation that i had moved into this comfortable mode of stopping things for my own convenience. Or..... was I wrong in thinking so much at this point of time? Most of us have this problem of thinking too much when its unnecessary and not thinking at all when the situation demands logic. I was sure no one would would ever be able to apply any logic to this situation.
I looked around again.
How did this happen?
Is everything going to be alright?
Am I responsible for this situation?
My mind had never been so haphazard.

And suddenly as I was trying to settle myself into this more comfortable state, the car started moving again.

I guess the chaos part of it was true.

Utter chaos!

May be after a while, the guys around will forget this incident, but this frozen scene.............. is something I'll never be able to forget.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Searching Syndrome?

Day 1:

My wallet was missing. Its not in me to lose things. Especially my wallet. Where could it have gone!? The biggest problem is when your room is always clean and the worst feeling is when you cant find what you badly need and you know its somewhere right under you eyes!
Search continues for about 20 mins.
Tired of searching. Rest time.
After 5 mins "search" resumes.
After 10 more mins, I finally found the wallet right under my eyes!
How could i miss it! Horrible!

Day 2:
My watch was missing. Completely determined not to repeat the same nonsense which happened the previous day.
Careful scan of the room.
10 minutes up.
Suddenly I realized I had put my watch in my trouser pocket so that I dint have to search for it
And yet.................

Day 3:
Very satisfied with myself. Almost done with the day. Found everything in its place.
I guess a perfect day.
I looked at the watch. 7:45 p.m
Time for dinner.
Glasses? looked around and dint find it.
What is happening!? Some sort of a searching syndrome!?
Later, after dinner I was just wondering the limit of this syndrome if it continued for another month or so.
Just imagine I've found everything I needed throughout the day. Its probably the fag end of the day. I'm not able to fathom the fact of having a perfect day. And.......I start searching.......thinking..."how is it possible!? something must have gone missing". Not sure if this search would ever end. The imagination scares me!

Friday, October 05, 2007

The Journey Back from Home

The air was still. The smoke seemed to travel quite far. The bus had stopped for a break midway at Kamath Upachar. Its weird the way these journeys to and fro went by for the last three years. There were these moments of anxiety in the beginning with regular glances out of the window seeking familiarity of the places I was traveling past. Then more of irritation when the bus used to breakdown in the middle of the night and a sense of exhaustion when I get back home. This time, so far its not been bad. The bus on schedule.
The coffee was getting cold. But what was more weird was the transition of lifestyle in these 360 kms. Rather funny I must say when transition is almost spontaneous on either side. The Bus lights were still off. Heh..I guess the driver is taking a long loaded leak.
Immediately thoughts of how these three years have gone by to lead me to this moment in the middle of the transition. Why three years!? There is a lot i could script about the last three months itself. A job in hand, continued states of inebriation and a single room.
The bus lights turned on..So...Back to the transition/journey.
Its funny how your body warms up in a few minutes.
Rather, its funny how 84 mms reduces to 15 mms in a few minutes.
Heh...Just stub and move on!